I don't even know what this post is about to be honest, I'm just letting my thoughts flow into words, words that might not necessarily be English, but nevertheless, words.
I'm not very good at anything.
I'm not even special.
There's nothing wrong with me.
And that's just how it is.
I try to touch everyone's mind, make them feel better, I'm not special. I'm not sick. I'm just me.
Just another, unextraordinary human being that will soon be forgotten as soon as I've passed on.
I have dark thoughts. About death, about dying, about what would happen if my feet had never touched the soil.
And still, these thoughts haunt me daily, I make it sound so dramatic, I make it sound so much worse than it actually is.
You know when you go to the doctors? And they ask you to rate the pain on a level of 1 to 10? And no matter however the pain, it always seems to be a 10? I find that's because your 10 is never defined. There's always things that make the 10 worse, always pains that are so much worse.
I find myself sitting in front of a computer screen most of my hours. Hours that I could be spending living my life, doing assignments, working, pushing forward to my future. I don't want to move. I'm a strong believer in people will only accept help if they want to be helped. If they want to be helped, you can help them, if not, there's no hope.
I'm very much like this. Only, I want to be helped. I want to escape this hole that comes and goes. I want to be special. I want to be good at something and no matter how much people tell me I'm good at something or I'm special, I'll never believe it. I haven't been lied to very much my whole life, nothing is special about my life, nothing stands out. I like to believe that I have had dealt with a normal amount of pain, a normal amount of happiness, joy, boredom and suffering.
I'm a normal girl.
Behind a keyboard.
Just letters.
And if you're lucky enough- a voice.
I'm nothing special, I can't do things, and when I apparently can, there's always someone better than me.
Now, I know, there's always going to be someone better than me.
There's always has to be.
But I can't help it, rocking in as average every time eventually stretches you, you can't be nice all the time, but sometimes you can't help but just need a really, really long hug.
Nobody is there to give me a hug, they're all on the other side of the bloody world. I hate living in Australia. I hate it. It's so isolated. Mainly the reason why I want to live in Germany. It's not isolated, it speaks a different language and it's different, it's something that is so exciting for me. My German is the only thing that really keeps me going but sometimes I even knock myself down for that.
I was sitting in German class, listening to the speeches and listening to the average marks people were getting, I was fairly happy with my 15 out of 18, I thought it was good, but when people who didn't seem to be putting in as much effort as I did got higher, it does eventually get to you.
It's not just the German that pushes me into this hole. It's the loneliness I have too. I make up stories (and this is probably going to be sad and really pathetic but I'm not here to be judged so I don't want to see anyone taking the time out of their day to post an asshole-ish comment down below.) about having boyfriends, to my mum, so my mum stops worrying about my isolation I put myself in. Nobody has really been interested in me to be honest, and the one person that I felt close to and that I was getting somewhere with, ended up paying people to show interest in me so I would stop showing an interest in him. I had known him for seven years. I used to play hockey with him. He was a good friend... or so I thought.
Then we have the situation with Helena and I get so embarrassed and flustered about it, I think about posting things on my blog about her but I know my Frau reads this. I know my Frau, I see her three times a week, for an hour, sometimes more. But fuck it.
The disease everyone calls 'Teenager' is a period of years between the ages of 13-19. The disease normally lasts for 7 years. Here, everything is either fake, made up or constantly changing. Adults who have been though this disease soon forget it. They say they remember it but I don't truly remember that they knew just exactly how they felt. Take me for example- In a few years, I won't remember this day, not at all, it'll just be another smudge in the daily life I live right now. 'Teenager' is a difficult disease because everyone treats you like a child and expects you to act like an adult. Hormones are racing and everything is changing. Everything is buzzing and everything seems to be different. You thought you got life figured out when you were 12? Well, here's to life being completely rewritten and the worst part, you can't even stop it. It's a thing that just.. happens.
The thing about me is, the depression builds up. I have bipolar depression. I have a massive fucking ego as well. I'm an egotistical piece of Australian shit who complains about not being able to do things. If I look, I probably have a range of support here in Australia, I probably have a lot more than I realize, but I'm a stupid piece of human flesh and I need the support net to be thrusted into my face otherwise I'll assume that it's not there.
The thing with me is, I want to be helped.
But all the help that I have been given, never works.
And once it doesn't work...
People stop trying.
I'll probably be happy again in a few days and end up deleting this so I'm going to try and fight my urges, keep it up, and all this stuff.
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